What Rage Taught Me

Everything is fucked. That was not a passing thought. It was a conclusion I had reached after watching people get failed by every system that was meant to protect them. I had a rose-tinted perception of the world before this. Although my rage made me painfully antisocial it also made me obsessive. I needed to know why there is so much evil and cruelty in the world and whether it was actually possible for people to exist without adapting to suffering.

Alongside changing my major to philosophy I began reading everything I could get my hands on. I visited probably every used bookstore in San Diego and would buy books that looked interesting. That’s how I found Ego and Instinct by Daniel Yankelovich. I was completely blown away by what I was reading. I always believed we should kill our ego but this book convinced me otherwise. I wrote this in my notes app. January 17, 2022: I wrote four things down first; what people need: creative expression, emotional release, mental clarity, body movement. Then underneath, what the book was telling me: encourage others to create new roles in humanitarianism, it doesn’t all look the same. That there is subjective, individual, and societal suffering. And that one feeds the other. A simple concept. But I had never seen it mapped out that cleanly before.

I was naturally obsessive about trauma and ways to heal from it but this newfound revelation opened a door I did not know existed. I wanted to tell everyone I knew about it but there was no way anyone would read Ego and Instinct. I thought what could I do? I no longer wanted to write poetry. I wanted to speak directly and share longer thoughts. I went down a rabbit hole and didn’t come out of it for a few years. I observed politicians, the workplace, friendships, dating, and families. I observed myself because I know that it is best to lead by example. I wrote it all out but it became too scholastic and I felt uncomfortable shifting from a poet into something drastically different. Instead, I wanted to exist in these theories before I introduced them. I began teaching again, I tried new things, got my yoga certificate. I explored San Diego all up and down. Just doing shit. I was simply finding my joy and building a life that belonged to me, with no outside influence or pressure of how it should look. I vanished off the face of the earth. I didn’t reappear until I moved to New York City. It felt like an accomplishment because not only had I overcome a huge obstacle, I had proof that my theory was solid. For the first time I had something of my own, there was no sadness or anger hiding my light.

I have spent almost all of my twenties trying to find the best way to carry pain and still manage to show up in such a fucked world. I observed what I had been doing the last few years and realized it had a shape. The Still Method: Reflect, Restore, Respond.

We avoid reflection because in certain cases it means accepting part of ourselves that, if we saw it in another person, we would judge. That is the point. That is exactly where you start. It is brutal accountability. You will feel defeated at times. This is not just doing a morning journal. Although I do recommend it. Look at your life, look at your emotional responses, the people you choose to protect. When you hear “take responsibility’ for how you show up in a situation you may have rightfully been a victim in means looking at the ways you had to adapt, and unlearn it. Not that you necessarily did something wrong. Sometimes you do pick up unhealthy coping mechanisms in order to survive.

Restore begins in the body. Movement, rest, nourishment, creativity. The things we need that we have been conditioned to deprioritize. You are rebuilding a home inside yourself. Where you take everything you have learned and apply it to yourself. For me this looked like finding places I want to be, showing up as my quiet self; not forcing an outgoing personality and finding confidence in that. It was quite literally eating three times a day, going for walks in order to get out the house. Eventually I was able to hang out with my friends again and create work out of the yoga certificate I picked up. At its core it is remembering who you are and the life you deserve.

You do not have to announce your growth. Respond is simply what happens when you show up as someone who has done the work. It is contagious in the best way. Naturally when you do the things that uplift you, you inspire others to do the same. You do not have to turn it into a moment if you don’t want to, just show up.

I struggled with how to share the intricacies of this method because, in detail, it is very scholastic. In my obsessive state I stripped myself of any creative expression before I understood having that is actually a gift. Don’t lose it. I created Still Thinking as my response, my attempt to show you all what the method looks like in real time. I chose a solid group of writers that I believe already embody this method and do a great job at showing others how to do the same. I didn’t want to publish a book, I wanted to create something that people could hold and live in. To assist them while they navigate through the process that life is.

Still Thinking is more than an archive. It is evidence.